I don't do anything on here, except for look at pictures and hearts. I'm in pain, it hurts to hold a pen to draw on the computer with. Here's all the pain of sitting at the computer. My fingers will turn randomly red and hot or cold and since I am allergic to heat they swell and become uncomfortable. My upper shoulders always hurt when I sit at the computer, my back and neck will not last at a computer very long they hurt like crazy. I can't stay on as long as I used to be able to do. The chair I have hurts my knees and legs. My feet can't touch the ground but this is the best height to type and everything for the computer I would have to leave over and go down more if I were to use another chair. I put my feet in this little metal loop thing around the bottom of the chair which in turn hurt my knees. I remove them from that position still hurts, this chair just hurts me even if I don't put them in the loop they hurt. All of that is happening now for your information as I type this. "If it hurts why not get off rather than complaining about it and shit?" I know that obviously because I guessed what someone could say in retaliation so I'm not surprised or whatever. I don't know why kay? I like the computer I love to type I love to draw on the computer but it just causes physical injuries that are pretty much imaginary because it's nothing that any pill can fix, or dull or anything, there is no actual injury it just hurts bad, and there is no way of proving it. I get jealous when someone has a cast or something "They are getting fixed your not, your in pain but are you getting attention or does anyone care really? No they don't they can't tell they've heard it enough from you(I actually don't complain that much for the number of times I am in pain and the severity and all that sort). you have no proof no relation no one can identify with a ? mark,". Yesh I got lost in my train of thought due to the little comments inside my head and I fed them and went in depth with them which makes me lose my train of thought. Eh. I can't even hold anything for long periods of time or anything..it hurts to write in class, it hurts to straighten my hair, and other things to the point where I really feel like I can't do it but I do it anyways because I have to kinda act normal or do things you know? Habit whatever it is I like have a need to do it, I don't know how to deal with it stop it or whatever and I obviously again no the answer to that question. Why do I even make a statement like that when, "To stop the pain stop doing it you dumb fuck! Or don't push yourself too much or even take breaks when you get in a lot of pain. It's not that hard kay? Stop complaining,". It hurts to draw so I don't draw as much I don't really do much of anything for this site pretty much. I have soo many ideas and things I want to do but pain is holding me back. Pain oh so fun. Doctor tell you to fix the pain by working up strength and kinda putting you more in pain at first but you'll feel a lot better. I'm working on it...I'm working on a lot of things aren't I? But literally I haven't done shit to work on them. If I say I hate myself for doing these things then I can easily say back then stop doing them! Easier said then done, I just am scatter brained and not doing anything but I can't keep track of anything. I DON'T KNOW! I have no idea it's fuck I have no idea and I am just so focused on I don't know I don't know and I don't know to actually try to think of the reason or try to sort out through this mess! My mind just shuts down and doesn't and can't think of anything other than I don't know. And to try to think about anything else gets me upset and anxious and scared. Truly fucked. Too many things to be thinking about. Why now? Please no I am not going to even try to untangle this knot! Nope as hard as it is for me I must not I must not! You see how I question myself and shit above? That won't stop about everything it wants to get to the center then reaches a "I don't know" it's like why don't you know? And all this exploration of myself fun junk. Damn therapists treating me for these years has had me have a little built in very low graded psychotherapist 2.0! So my goal is to make it shut up or ignore it as much as possible over this break at least for a few days because I need to get a hold of my surroundings, get back to normal in a way and then deal with them one at a time. Okay pretty much have tomorrow to do that and that's it cause this treatment plan thing at ADT is going to screw me over to think about the future and stuff. I can't! Please don't make me! I don't want know! Please give me bliss for a while please! I don't want to think I'm tired of thinking, I'm tired of being alone in my head trying to solve puzzles make scenarios, dioramas, puppet shows, exploration the works. So I am going to put aside everything over break! Or for a few days I need this rest. Give my mind some peace. Maybe this will make it shut the fuck up.